I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs