“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.