I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.