“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
having children is a pyramid scheme.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird