I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
You Might Also Like
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
They must have gotten it to go.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!