“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.


*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?


I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!


(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon


Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls


Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.


this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over


Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.


If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday


I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns