@SavageDabs69

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

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@Goldishocks

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

@VeganZebra

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

@sixfootcandy

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

@OkButStill

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

@weinerdog4life

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

@YourMomsucksTho

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

@ju_floripa

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

@BacklineNurse

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns