“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
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People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I’m literally crying
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach