I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
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They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Dietest Coke
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.