@Kyle_Lippert

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

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@WheelTod

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

@RickAaron

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

@UnFitz

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@E_lok44

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

@AndyAsAdjective

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

@QwertyJones3

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

@JasonLastname

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face