For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face