I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
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me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
This is enough internet for the day.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”