I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”


[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man


Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.


2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.


Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match


*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go


[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
You might want to sit down


Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries


What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”