@LostFelicia

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

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@silence__kit

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

@whatsJo

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

@slyoung5

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

@graceupongracie

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

@lisaxy424

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

@dubiousrhetoric

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

@omswarth

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there