I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
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me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Welcome
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
The internet is undefeated.. 😂