i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I’d hang this in my house.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.