I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.