I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
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Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I bet birds love this building.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.