“I’m helping” 😅
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Liquor Store Parking
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.