“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.