@theDanLawler

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

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@BigFatNothing

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

@rebrafsim

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

@Cornjerker78

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

@jonnysun

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

@kellyforniagold

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

@WheelTod

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.