I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
It’s the weekend y’all
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.