I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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Wife: Do I look like I鈥檝e gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I haven鈥檛 been to Target since February. I wonder how it鈥檚 even staying in business without me.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you鈥檙e saying.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
SNOW WHITE: so how鈥檇 you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That鈥檚 right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If there鈥檚 karaoke or no karaoke I鈥檓 not going
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they鈥檙e quiet
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*