I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?