I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
This was my dad’s browser history.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.