Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

Bros before Ohioes

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!