Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.