“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
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I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
This will never not be funny 😭
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*