“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
#milo
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.