I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.