I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
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I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.