I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”