I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.