I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
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I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex