@SardonicTart

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

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@sixfootcandy

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

@seamusmckracken

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

@ThisLocalHater

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

@IvoryGazelle

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

@joelu72

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

@edburmila

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

@weinerdog4life

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

@abbycohenwl

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

@scrappy_momma

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

@Robert_Beau

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.