I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.