I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.