I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off