I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
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4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics