“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.