“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

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Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.


I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me


*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*


[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]


My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing


I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”


It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.


If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE


At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.


INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?