“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
the noise i just made
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
