I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
B
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly