I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.


I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.


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Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.


“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully