@trishimal25

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

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@Gorrdano

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

@Nickadoo

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@DannyZuker

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

@noog

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

@Brianhopecomedy

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

@GingerHotDish

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

@Smethanie

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.