@trishimal25
@NotTodayEric Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
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@NotTodayEric 
@Carter_TCB Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
@EllaZee5 if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
@NikiWithIssues By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
@Inconsteveable I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
@Brianhopecomedy I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
@Bunnydurden Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
@ArianFoster The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
@yoyoha “No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully