I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
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[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”