Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

Damn he played himself

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda