@trishimal25
@Jack_Wagon1 Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
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@Jack_Wagon1 
@maryfairybobrry Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
@HotBitHoran “Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
@countrybredred I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
@HenpeckedHal My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
@toomanycommas3 No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
@stevevsninjas The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
@Marlebean I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
@DrunjAF The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*