I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
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[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.