I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
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trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH