@trishimal25

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

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@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

@Carter_TCB

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

@EllaZee5

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

@

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

@Inconsteveable

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@Bunnydurden

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

@yoyoha

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully