@trishimal25
@Gorrdano I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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@Gorrdano 
@Nickadoo Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
@thagr8short1 I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
@Cool_Jesse NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
@DannyZuker My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
@noog Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
@Brianhopecomedy I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
@YesThatAmy Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
@GingerHotDish Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
@Smethanie Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.