@trishimal25

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

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@Jack_Wagon1

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

@maryfairybobrry

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

@HenpeckedHal

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

@toomanycommas3

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

@stevevsninjas

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

@Marlebean

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

@DrunjAF

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

@

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*