I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.