I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
umm…
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
a god among men
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no