I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
You Might Also Like
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
reviewed some movies recently
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.