“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Everything reminds me of my ex
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.