I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
And bowling should be called pinball
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.