“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
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[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..