I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.