I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good