I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
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Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.