I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

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if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”


Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.


My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process


Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.


I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!


On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.


When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?


A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through


I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.


Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.