@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

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@DVSblast

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

@nekolot

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

@FatherWithTwins

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

@CulturedRuffian

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

@RidiculousSheri

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

@notalogin

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

@kevinseccia

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

@MarkBuckawicki

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

@robdelaney

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.