I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
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Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.