I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
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I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
How to draw a duck
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.