I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
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“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Lmao
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.