I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Is this you?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Still my favourite meme.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.