I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
screw you
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it