I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Itâs not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasnât a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
âTHE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.â
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyoneâs affections are genuine.
Canât wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Meanwhile in Paris.. đ
âMake good choices,â I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique đ
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasnât cake?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldnât even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I donât think youâre a bad person. I just think youâre immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badlyâŚnot badâŚit should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.