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The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”