I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
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Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.