I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Always 🥴
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines